How to Handle Criticism
Ever get unsolicited “feedback”? You know, this is the kind of criticism that comes disguised in an effort to really help you, but you know darned well the person’s motivation was unscrupulous to say the least.
I’ve been saving this one for a very long time. I figured my children might benefit from knowing that everyone gets hit upside the head with criticism at some time in their lives. So I kept this little gem and tucked it away in my filing cabinet for just the right moment. Here’s how the story goes…
A Professional Speaker’s Horror Story
Early in my professional speaking career I had a wonderful opportunity to present at a national conference on one of my favorite topics – employee engagement, retention and leadership communication. It was a huge conference with over 10,000 people in attendance and my session room was filled to overflowing. The session seemed to go well.
At least I thought it went pretty well. (Poor misguided soul that I am!)
After returning home to Colorado, I went to the mailbox and opened a letter sent by someone who had attended my session at the conference. They had taken the cover sheet from my handouts and mailed it back to me – along with a good deal of editorial commentary.
A Conglomeration of Critical Comments
See below how they had circled the word “its” on the front of the handout to illustrate my grammatical mistake. I should not have put an apostrophe at the end of the word…
Then, on the backside, he or she typed out a numbered list of all the mistakes I made in my presentation…
In case you’re unable to read the “love note”, I’ll type it in below so you can get the full flavor of their advice. It began with…
“Ah, little grasshopper. You are such a misguided fool…”
Whoops, wrong love note. Let’s try that again, shall we?
“Laura: DARE TO BE ACCURATE should have been the title to your presentation. For God’s sake, if you’re going to speak to 200+ people, don’t:
1. have typographical errors in your slides. For example, “its” does not have an apostrophe in it. See the reverse side of this page to see what I’m talking about, otherwise, repeat 5th grade english/grammar. That is, unless you mean to say “it is.”
2. use the word “abdicate” when you don’t know what it means. When you talked about employees and/or customers abdicating, it made no sense. That’s probably because you meant to say “defect.” Employees defect, they don’t abdicate. Look this word up and you’ll see how ridiculous it sounds.
3. waste that many people’s time with a stupid exercise in which we all share thoughts about one topic or another which can never be shared in large group feedback in the first place. You violated a basic rule of presentation.
Hope this improves the quality of your otherwise average efforts in the future.”
The Benefits of Anonymous Criticism…er, I mean Feedback
And I know you’d be shocked, appalled AND even amazed to learn there was no (I repeat, NO) return address! See…
Whoever they were, they postmarked it from Hollywood, California. Hmmm….
Communication Skills and Public Presentation Lessons Learned
Now, we all know this person was not sincerely interested in helping me further my career. But since their criticism was accurate, I did learn a lot from receiving this note, including:
- I now pay closer attention to where I put the apostrophe when I write
- I’m also more careful about allowing nerves to impact my words when speaking in front of a crowd of over 200 people
- Goodness knows that in the future, I’ll use the word “abdicate” within the right context
- And the interactive exercises I use in my seminars are not quite so clumsy anymore
Here’s what else I learned…
- Some people will invest a great deal of time and energy to criticize others. There must be a great deal of anger within this person to strike out in such a mean-spirited way.
- Their motivation is not constructive; rather, it’s intended to be de-structive (I got the apostrophe in the right place on this one, eh?) That alone should give you pause to consider how much energy you spend on worrying over their words.
- It can test the level of dedication you have to the work you do. If you are trying to help people, you’d be cheating them if you let this kind of thing hold you back. (I wonder how many times Thomas Edison was criticized for his crazy ideas or misplaced apostrophes!)
- You have to protect your own emotional well being. It can be a risk to open yourself up to criticism. Actors, writers, singers do it every time their work is “reviewed”. So reserve an inner core of yourself to protect. Allow the harsh words to roll off your back so they don’t paralyze you with self-doubt.
- Then move forward with a little more information and renewed confidence in the value you provide to others, regardless of the occasional mistakes one makes along the way.
- Find a more positive way to use criticism for the future. Your kids will know they’re not the only ones who suffer the slings and arrows, so to speak. Give it some time for the hurt or anger to melt away, then one day you’ll see it from a whole different perspective!
We learn from people based on the good things they do, just as much as the not-so-good things too!
So the “love note” goes back in the filing cabinet until I find another use for it!
Writing from 6711 ft. above sea level,
Laura
Being a professional proofreader and editor can be a curse. I pick up mistakes in everything I read, from menus to manuscripts. They leap out at me, dancing wildly around and goading me to tell the offender of his or her communication crime. I rarely do, however.
People, I have discovered, tend to be very sensitive about writing inaccuracies. I think it goes back to the schoolroom when assignments were handed back to their writer with big, red marks around any transgressions, highlighting them for all to see.
I also find that people who do pick at the imperfections in others’ writing, may often be looking to belittle their target, making themselves seem better and bigger. They will have their own motivation for such actions, and it usually has nothing to do with a high self-esteem.
The one exception I do make is for presenters. A mistake on a slide or presentation sheet can often take audience attention away from the worth of the message to having cause to doubt it. Accuracy is credibility.
In this case, I find the best course of action is simply to give the presenter my business card, with an offer of assistance. I point out that it is often difficult to edit your own work, as you are too familiar with the content and tend to read for meaning and effect, rather than accuracy. It often pays to have an objective professional review your work before it reaches the public eye.
This often sends them running to examine their copy, on which they suddenly see the mistakes they made and wonder how they missed them. Hopefully, this brings me business, but what is more important is that they learn how to make their communication more effective in the future.
Sue Halliwell
[...] Communication Coach: What I Learned from Scathing Criticism — “Then, on the backside, he or she typed out a numbered list of all the mistakes I [...]
I always believe feedback says as much if not more about the person giving it than the person receiving it. By not signing it or owning the feedback I think the person abidated their responsibility. It’s a shame!
I like the pastor’s philosophy! It’s a good thing you didn’t let that one person’s ill-presented criticisms stop you from becoming a talented, intelligent presenter/coach.
My husband has a saying that I like to remember when things don’t go the way I expected or planned, “Write your failures in sand and your successes in granite”. Learn from the mistake, then let it go. Let the mind remember what was done well.
My pastor has a good philosophy regarding ‘constructive criticism’. If it’s not signed, don’t read it!