Last night we had good friends over for dinner. Both are self employed and both have experience sending out bulk mail. We got talking about how we get our message out to customers and our male friend admitted he doesn’t mail out newsletters any more.
As a fellow small business person, I asked why.
Well, it seems the process is painful. No, no it’s not the process of writing up the newsletter or having it printed that’s the problem. That was the easy part, he said.
The problem occurs when you try to get your newsletter mailed through our U.S. Postal Service using the bulk mail service. It appears this is not a simple process. I’m sure there are very good reasons for the rules and regulations. Here are just a few things that he faced last time he tried to do a bulk mailing. (And he swears he’ll never do one again)
In this community, there is only one place you can go to send out your bulk mailing and that is the main postal center located south of town. Extremely convenient, I might say, for business owners located south of town. But for the majority – not so convenient.
Then, you have to go into THE BACK ROOM. (The same place they take you when you inquire about the cell phone policy)
If you don’t know what you’re doing (which is most of us), there is an 8 hour class you must take so you can learn the various and insundary rules and regulations that make this experience so much easier in the long run! God help you if you haven’t attended the class and you venture into this dark and inhospitable territory alone.
Someone will peer over their glasses at you and with an expression of horror and disgust they’ll say, “But there is a class for this. You mean, you haven’t been to THE class?!?”
My friend now describes himself as “Stupid White Man”. He is emotionally scarred. (Just so you don’t think he or I are racist, which we are definitely NOT, please substitute “Stupid _________ Man/Woman/Child” with your favorite or most applicable demographic category.)
After going through THE class, learning the right way to prepare his mail, driving waaay down south with the box of 1500+ newsletters destined for affordable and speedy bulk mail dispatch, he was stopped in his tracks.
What now? (you’re probably wondering)
Well, it seems he made yet another big (BIG) mistake. He stuffed his newsletters inside envelopes with “First Class” printed on the outside. (BIG, BIG MISTAKE)
They politely told him, “No this just won’t do (Stupid White Man)”.
But there was a glimmer of hope. All was not lost! He resolve the whole problem without buying new envelopes and re-stuff each and every newsletter. It would be a simple matter, really. He could return to his office, sit down at his desk with a black felt tip marker and line out the words “First Class” on each and every envelope.
So he did. Sitting under a naked lightbulb with loosened tie and sweating brow, Stupid White Man lined out the offending words, one-by-one with his black felt tip marker.
Which is why you get much less bulk mail newsletters these days.
We small business owners really do have the best of intentions. We DO want to stay in touch. We know how much you love (LOVE) those entertaining crossword puzzles, mind-numbing trivia contests, inane jokes and boring articles with overused stock clipart (the ones where everyone has their arms crossed).
We realize you’ll sorely miss one more piece of bulk mail in your post office box. But it’s increasingly clear that running the gauntlet at our beloved U.S. Post Office discourages even the best of us and the most dedicated Stupid White Guy.
Writing from 6711 ft. above sea level,
Laura B.
